Jason’s girlfriend stays close with her ex. She texts him, emails, and calls him. She meets him for lunch regularly. The other night she went with him to a party while Jason was working late on a big project for his company.

For a while, Jason was okay with his girlfriend maintaining, what she argues is, a friendship with her ex. He thought this was better than her being bitter and angry about her past relationship.

Pretty soon, though, Jason grew annoyed by the amount of interaction she and her ex have on a regular basis. Jason has met his girlfriend’s ex and he’s a nice guy. The man even assured Jason that he has no intention of breaking them up.

Goal…

Jason remains worried and jealous of the bond his girlfriend and ex seem to have. He worries that they could easily go back to being more than “just friends”, if they haven’t already.

If your wife is still friends with or in regular contact with your ex, she may be dealing with some of the same concerns as Jason. He may want to show how “cool” and “open” he is, but the amount of time he spends communicating with his ex might upset him.

Perhaps you’ve already made it clear to your partner that you’re not okay with them interacting with their ex at all. Perhaps you have asked him to cut off all contact with him. Maybe he has complied with your request and maybe not.

It’s obvious that pretending you’re okay with her contacting her ex when you’re actually not okay with it isn’t going to help your relationship. This will only create resentment and tension between the two of you.

At the same time, if you want a close relationship and you demand or give him an ultimatum that he stop talking to his ex “or else,” this will most likely cause real damage to your connection.

Be clear about what is happening.

First of all, it is very important that you separate what is really going on between your girlfriend and her ex from what you assume or fear is happening.

Review the tangible evidence you have of the nature of the current situation; don’t focus on what happened between them when they were together.

If there’s reliable evidence that your relationship is more than just friends, you’ll probably want to make some decisions about what to do next. Will you continue in the relationship? Will you confront her about this? What will you have to do to start proving yourself trustworthy again?

If there is NO reliable evidence that your relationship is more than just friends, it’s a good thing to remind yourself.

Clarify why it bothers you.

if you have No reliable evidence that your girlfriend and her ex are more than just friends, it’s time to better understand why their interactions bother you.

It may be that you are fighting jealousy. It may be that you are worried about what will develop between them in the future. Perhaps you are worried about what others will think.

Get curious as to why this bothers you so much. This information can help you know what to do next.

If you are jealous, try to clarify what is the root of your jealousy. Is it insecurity? A past experience with an ex-partner who cheated on you? Do you have a past of lies or infidelity?

Create agreements that both of you can live with.

Now that you have a better understanding of what is really going on between your girlfriend and your ex and you also know more clearly why you are so upset about this, the two of you can come to terms.

Make sure you both know that any agreement you come to must be honestly and sincerely accepted by both of you. If you can really listen to each other, it will be easier to come up with some resolutions that you both really agree on and will follow through on.

If one (or both) of you only says “Yes” to an agreement to place or please the other, it is very likely that the agreement will not be honored or followed through.

It’s wise to not only create agreements about what’s appropriate and what’s not when it comes to the interactions your girlfriend will have with her ex, but it’s also helpful to see the big picture. What are some agreements the two of you could make that will address the habits of disconnection in your relationship?

If, for example, your girlfriend turns to your ex for attention, openness, or support that you’re not giving her, own up to it and make some changes. The two of you can create agreements about spending more time together, really connecting and listening to what each other needs.