My husband says he loves me as the mother of his children, but he doesn’t love being with me
I recently heard from a wife who had pressured her husband about how he “really” felt about her. He felt he needed to ask this question because he couldn’t help but notice how things had felt dead between them or how they tended to ignore each other, outside of their children.
So the wife did not expect her husband to declare his passionate and undying love for her, but was shocked by what he actually said. He stated very naturally (without much emotion) that he would always love her because she was the mother of his children and that this would always bring them together, but, he said, he did not love her the way he loved her. he used to do it and he certainly didn’t love being with her.
The wife felt as if she had been slapped. She did not expect that statement. She knew things hadn’t been so good in the marriage lately, but if her husband had asked her the same question, she would have definitely answered that she still loved him and wished they could stop regretting and ignoring one. other. I wanted things to be the way they used to be, before they had children. That said, he wouldn’t trade his kids for the world.
The strange irony in all this was that the children, in many ways, had brought them closer together. But in many ways, this was what required so much of their time that they had begun to separate as a couple. The wife wanted to regain this “time together and closeness.” But now, knowing that her husband didn’t really love her the way he should, she wanted to know if it was too late. I didn’t think it was. I’ll tell you why in the next article.
Don’t let your husband’s word stop you from getting what you really wanted: The danger in this whole situation, of course, was that the wife would back off due to the words the husband chose. Those words were very unfortunate and there was no way to withdraw them. And the wife was really starting to think about this and take risks, allowing these thoughts to keep her from moving forward.
Although he knew the words had hurt her deeply, he wanted her to put this in perspective. It was very likely that her husband was just as tired and frustrated as she was. It is possible that he really did not mean those words. You may have been looking for the value of shock to try to reject some reaction or change. She really had no way of knowing what he was really feeling, but she did know that he was committed to loving her as the mother of his children. And although she didn’t realize it, this IS something. Because many men don’t even recognize that when they get to this point. She could use this as a starting point and work from there.
Passing from parents to lovers: It seemed that both husband and wife agreed that they had had a completely different marriage before becoming parents. This is very common. I doubt that many parents can honestly say that they have as much time together as before. This is just the reality of caring for someone else who is primarily dependent on you. And most of the time, both husband and wife agree to this because they love their children as much as they love their spouse.
But few people expect or are prepared for the change that usually occurs as a result. We are so busy talking and caring for our children and functioning as a family that we forget to function as a couple. Many parents resist reprioritization because they fear that their children are being taken away from them or that they are being selfish. What they ultimately don’t understand is one of the best gifts you can give your children: happy parents and the security that a loving, committed family brings.
Not only this, but you are giving your children the gift of seeing what healthy marital priorities look like. I told this wife to wonder if she wanted her daughter to grow up and to think she should be low on the priority list. Did you want your son to be resentful and sullen like his father? Showing your children how to focus on both marriage and family will help them have a happy and fulfilling marriage, which is ultimately what we want for our children.
These are good words, but it can be challenging to put this into practice in everyday life, especially when your husband has told you that he doesn’t love you the way he should. It was unrealistic to think that things were going to be exciting again overnight. But the wife knew that the husband would not go anywhere in the immediate future. He had a reasonably captive audience. So you could certainly start to focus on spending more time with him. He could listen and laugh more, he could schedule only one outing a week where the two of them were alone, and he could remember those things and experiences that brought them together in the first place and try to give them back even on a small scale.
I wanted her to stick with the things that she could hold onto and be genuine in. Making changes that are only going to fade simply disappoints everyone and ultimately makes lasting changes more difficult because everyone’s expectations have been lowered and denied. It’s much better to focus on one thing, make it a habit, and then move on to your next goal. Yes, this is more gradual, but it is also more genuine and lasting and these are the kinds of small changes that can transform a marriage over time.