My husband says it’s too late for us, right?
It is not unusual for me to hear from wives who have been told that it is “too late” to save their marriage. Often times, your husbands have decided that the marriage is over and that time has passed to save you. But rarely do the wives who contact me agree to this. They often tell me that it is not over for them. And they don’t think it’s too late either. I often hear comments like: “So he just decides if it’s over and if it’s too late? I have nothing to say on this?” Or “He says it’s too late for us, but I don’t think it is. If he really tried instead of just giving up, I think we could pull it off.”
In fact, this is a very frustrating situation. It can feel quite infuriating when you know in your heart that something is true when you can’t convince him of the same. But he has something to say and apparently thinks it’s over and it’s too late. So where does this leave you? Well, while you can’t change someone’s mind by force, you can set the situation so that this change is more likely to occur. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Do I have to accept it if my husband says it is too late for our marriage ?: This is one of the most common questions I am asked. Nobody wants to accept something that they themselves did not believe or do not believe. However, with that said, it is important to understand that you cannot force someone to change their mind and hope for a positive long-term resolution. This will often lead to resentment and additional problems.
And, later efforts that may seem necessary and sound can often backfire as well. Arguing, trying to make you feel guilty, pleading, or playing games based on negative emotions will often only throw up more negativity in an already negative situation. You should always be very aware of how your husband perceives the situation. If you only see more of the same or worse, changes that are not sincere, you are not likely to change your mind.
And more than this, often when he sees that you are trying to change his mind, he may be even more determined not to change it, so that he actually comes to believe even more in his position. While I think you don’t have to blindly accept that it’s too late for your marriage, I also think it’s smart sometimes not to try to do everything at once.
Some wives will accept none other than their husband proclaiming that it is not too late tomorrow. And while this would be great, it is not always realistic and if you push it too early, you will often run the risk of making the situation worse and making your job even more difficult.
Change your perceptions so that you start wondering if it’s really too late ?: I dialogue with men in this situation quite regularly. Many of them have the perception that nothing more can be done because they feel that they have tried everything and yet nothing changes enough to make a real difference. Sure, there may have been some short-term changes, but somehow, it always seems to revert to old patterns and behaviors.
And at some point, many of these husbands realize that this is not how they want to live the rest of their lives. They hear you suggest counseling or work on your problems, but the thing is, they don’t think any of that is going to work. So you will often have to show them, rather than tell them, that real change can happen without either of you having to make big concessions that aren’t all that attractive.
Sometimes I tell wives that instead of focusing so much on whether it is too late or if he thinks time is up, focus on how he perceives you and the marriage. It is often better to make small improvements over time rather than pushing you to define your time frame.
When does it really get too late for your marriage ?: This, of course, is the central question and the answer will be individual for each couple. People often tell me that they think it really is over because they are preparing to move or file for divorce. Or they tell me that one of the spouses is very angry with the other. Neither of these necessary things means it’s too late in my opinion. I think that as long as there are some feelings (even if they are reading something negative right now), there is always a change to change things.
I have seen couples who have actually divorced or almost decided that there is still time for them. For me, the biggest indicator that it’s really over is that BOTH people are indifferent. In other words, you are both at a point where there is no anger, animosity, or confusion because both people can clearly see that despite their best efforts, they just couldn’t make it work.
However, this is rarely the scenario I am asked about. Usually the wife is still very interested in her marriage and saving it. And in my opinion, as long as a person continues to invest and is willing to try things to change the perceptions that I spoke about, there is always a possibility.