Psycho: how to deal with closed or aggressive adolescents
As we know, the situation is not easy for anyone. But adolescents, in the process of building their identity, have a hard time with health restrictions and uncertainty. And at home, it is not easy, it is better to be Zen with the parents … and vice versa. Catherine Schwennicke, trainer, coach, psychologist & expert in ANC (Neuro Cognitive and Behavioral Approach) has just released a book on the relationship between parents and grandchildren: Parental authority… differently !. She explains that if these relationships are exacerbated, it is because there is less escape, for both sides, moreover: “parents have fewer resources, the subjects that generate tensions keep coming back. “.
Of course, the situation is not critical in all families, and parent-teen relationships can also take place in … relative harmony. ” The adolescent period is precisely that, confronting parental authority, doing your own experiences with or without an agreement “.
But when things go wrong, the aggressiveness is indeed there and we can no longer talk to each other without shouting, what to do? Catherine Schwennicke is giving a conference on the subject this Thursday, February 4 on the Parents-Theses platform: “Managing power relations and difficult behavior”. She will address the themes of dominance / submission games under the light of neuroscience and will also give many tips from her book.
For her, the first step is to listen before entering into the argument or to speak and see the young close like an oyster. “ Trying to understand the real unease behind ill will is not easy. We can also try to use others, by talking about a friend’s son for example so as not to talk about him head-on. “. Catherine Schwennicke also advises to go to the Pixy.Family site, a site which notably offers a personality test for the whole family: ” This has the advantage of making it possible to resume a dialogue quite easily by finally telling each other “.
Social and economic inequalities also play a role in tensions, the professional emphasizes: if the whole family is teleworking and tele-schooling, in a cramped space all day, it is untenable. “ You have to take the air, each in turn, it’s the only possibility to find yourself inside “.
Countering the aggressiveness of young people is also to get them out of their withdrawal to try to have moments of fun together: a board game, prepare a meal together, go for a run, go shopping … “ find an activity that brings people together to establish something other than continual arguments “. For some young people, it is also important to give resources so that they feel empowered and responsible.
Hot or cold aggression?
But what does the aggressiveness that some adolescents may display mean? ” We must distinguish the aggressiveness of the defensive type which is reactive from the offensive aggressiveness », Explains Catherine Schwennicke. The first is used to come and tickle the limits, to get the parent off its hinges, ” we do not respect the express rules: it is a way of positioning ourselves: it is a hot aggressiveness “. The second is colder, the teenager wants to establish a balance of power and dominate, it is more difficult to understand.
With hot aggressiveness, the psychologist argues that we can agree with the teenager, by explaining all the same why we established such or such a rule. To cold aggressiveness, “we will not be right “ because we must regain control: ” and understand the cause of this change in behavior “. Finally, the coach explains that the same causes produce the same effects: “ If we get angry over and over for an unclean room, the consequences will be the same: a teenager who shuts up and no longer wants to understand the rules “. It is also up to parents to question themselves … to calm things down.
> Parents-Theses conference “Managing power relations and difficult behavior” by Catherine Schwennicke, Thursday February 4 at 8 pm, online (via link sent zoom the same morning). Price: 18 € / person, live and replay available for 7 days. Free for members.