An inspection of the yard I just weeded strangely created images of my recent ten step efforts in my recovery program where I “continued to take personal inventory and when (I) was wrong, I immediately admitted it.”

“Step ten is where we continue to take inventory of our behavior and thinking,” according to the textbook Adult Children of Alcoholics (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 251). “With this step, we continue to let go of control and expose our denial about the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional home. We learn to take a balanced view of our behavior.”

In many ways, I consider this a “second time,” since the first was the original “fearless, self-seeking moral inventory” of step four. Did I miss something during that first sweep and did my weeds grow back from there? If so, what does this imply? Well, many things.

First of all, it means that I am human. I am not perfect. And it’s unrealistic to be able to identify all my faults, mistakes, and flaws during a single review of my life.

During the original search, I may not have been as thorough as I thought I would have been, or been able to.

I may not have even known or understood that I made such mistakes, especially at the time they occurred, due to immaturity and thus lack of understanding of them. Clouded and distorted by the disease of dysfunction, I certainly couldn’t have seen through or even connected with my actions at times.

Finally, not all of them may have been immediately visible. As the years have passed, many may have been beyond the reach of memory and with the focus of my current life, relegated to the “least important” file. But as I continue to identify bugs, others slowly emerge from the hidden darkness.

I didn’t see those weeds under that bush the first time, I think now. And there are those behind the fence. I don’t even know if I can get to them.

My study of the garden sheds light on an important aspect of twelve-step recovery, namely that it is not necessarily linear and untrapped in nature.

“We are trying new ways of thinking and acting, but we must be diligent if we want to continue our recovery process,” according to the textbook Adult Children of Alcoholics (ibid., p. 252). “We won’t change overnight, and the tendency to pick up old clothes is sometimes tempting.”

An Al-Anon member in the Courage to Change program text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 328) points to the ultimate benefit of the process.

“Step ten reminds me to be honest with myself, acknowledge my progress, admit my mistakes, and acknowledge the opportunities to grow today,” she says.

Part of my own growth comes from the realization that my wrong turns often derailed others; that is, they were not necessarily isolated events that only involved me, but rather they caused damage, injuries and consequences to others. All actions, good or bad intentions, have origins. If they start with me, only I can take responsibility for them.

Denying my imperfection and believing that I am somehow the exception to perfection is itself an expression of that imperfection.

“When I admit mistakes, I take responsibility for my actions,” advises Courage to Change (ibid., p. 144). “I free myself from the burden of a shameful secret and come closer to accepting my imperfection. It becomes so much easier to accept myself as I really am, mistakes and all.”

To balance my ten step process, I also need to take into account my strengths and positive qualities. They may include some of the “assets” I may have recently demonstrated, such as patience, understanding, and forgiveness, as well as more important ones, such as the inspiration and help my career as a writer and teacher has given others.

Like weeding my garden, will my efforts of step ten ever be completed? I doubt it. As long as I am alive in a finite and imperfect physical form, I will make mistakes. I will have good days and bad days. I will become weak and tempted, and sometimes I will pick up an old habit again. But my simple knowledge of them is, in itself, a demonstration of positive progress, and the tools and strengths of the program allow me to stop and continue towards my recovery goals.

“The tenth step invites me to keep my finger on my spiritual pulse regularly so that I can cooperate with God in my spiritual growth and healing,” advises another text from Al-Anon Hope for Today (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002 , page 173). “It says that if I do or say something wrong, I can stop, turn around and do something different now. Step ten invites me to grow, to be responsible and to make amends… I take step ten because I want to be the best ‘me’ what could it be”.

Will my garden one day be free of weeds? I do not think. Like me, it’s a work in progress, and as long as I’m alive, I will be!

Article sources:

Adult children of alcoholics. Torrance, California: World Service Organization, 2006.

Courage to change. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992.

Hope for today. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002.