The treatment that most people would consider “unacceptable,” adult children, who grew up with alcoholism, paraalcoholism, and dysfunction, not only tolerate it, but expect it.

“Adult children are dependent personalities, who see abuse and inappropriate behavior as normal,” according to the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 18). “Or, if they complain about the abuse, they feel powerless to do anything about it.”

Both captive and powerless, these children are forced to face adversity and, in its extreme, abuse, which can take verbal, non-verbal, emotional, physical, psychological, religious, sexual and manipulative forms by parents or primary caregivers whom they seek and in whom they are. in whom they place their trust. Being treated inappropriately that they don’t deserve is a concept that is not considered. Treatment, they reason, is justified either because of their infractions or simply because they are unworthy, inadequate, or unlovable.

Instead of being built up with confidence, self-confidence, and self-esteem, they are undermined and progressively reduced in what can be both overt and subtly demoralizing ways.

“We believe that beatings, threats, projection, belittling, and indifference are the delivery mechanisms that deeply embed the disease of family dysfunction,” continues the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (Ibid, p. 27).

Although verbal abuse does not leave physical scars, it can be just as harmful as its physical counterpart, because it leaves a scar on the psyche and soul. Unable, at times, to gain the approval, acceptance, and validation of her parents, an adult child is unable to gain a meaningful or consistent sense of self-esteem, tricking him into believing that he is inferior, not equal, or superior. -for with her group of classmates.

It also generates toxic shame, that is, they feel ashamed for what they mistakenly believe they are in their essence: a defective being.

While adversity and unacceptable behavior may be temporary with others later in life, children have neither the resources nor the ability, at their stage of development, to move away from what becomes the cumulative effects of some two decades of exposition. “Scars” only become detectable through behavioral manifestations, such as isolation, fear of authority figures, unhealthy or meaningless relationships, fears, insecurities, phobias, codependency, hypervigilance, dissociation , compulsions and addictions.

Slightly unpleasant at one end of the spectrum to function and intolerably interruptible at the other, these manifestations are what Freud called “repetition compulsions,” or the brain’s need to repeat and even re-enact what it couldn’t fully process the first time. and it will. continue to cycle through it until you clear it. Due to its severity, the person will most likely not be able to do it on their own, without some degree of therapy or twelve-step intervention.

They certainly erode a person’s quality of life, if not entirely limit their involvement in parts of it, as they keep one foot in the present and the other in the unresolved past, resulting in the “adult” dichotomy. ” and “child”. nature of the adult child syndrome.

“We are adults suffering from the effects of alcoholism and dysfunctional families,” advises the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (ibid., p. 71). “Childhood abuse and our adult lives created unbearable living conditions in body, mind, and spirit for us as adults. Adult children have been described as ‘walking wounded,’ strutting about in a state of emotional and spiritual bankruptcy while claiming to be ‘ penalty fee.'”

Primed and groomed, tough-skinned, and with a high degree of tolerance for unacceptable behavior, they cross the threshold into adulthood, taking the experiences of their homelands out into the outside world and hoping others will repeat them.

Logic would dictate that they would repel similar circumstances as adults with partners or spouses, but the opposite ironically and paradoxically turns out to be true, as they attract those who display similar personality traits because they know them. Like a garment that is uncomfortable and doesn’t “fit,” this relationship matches that of parents who experienced, and over time, their discomfort morphs and stretches into something that becomes adjustably tolerable, thus preparing them for a ” second round” of lasting experiences. disruptive behavior

“We keep choosing unsafe relationships because they coincide with our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents,” notes the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (ibid., p. 589).

In regression, they may again assume the submissive role, subconsciously substituting their partners for their parents and trying to “make it right this time” by pleasing and placating them. Countless adult children have realized, after significant recovery, that they ended up marrying surrogate mothers and fathers, thus repeating the cycle of childhood into adulthood. The late John Bradshaw often expressed this dynamic by stating, “When you don’t know your history, you are doomed to repeat it.”

Behavioral modeling, chronic exposure to such treatment, and the belief that they deserved it during their childhood were many of the factors that led to tolerance.

“I strongly believe that these difficulties have a lot to do with my growing up with alcoholism,” according to one recovering member, who wrote in Al-Amon’s “Hope for Today” (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002, p. .69). “Because I rarely experienced acceptable behavior, I thought unacceptable behavior was normal.”

While these factors explain how unpleasant this tolerant base was, they fail to identify why some refuse to end what can be an abusive or even dangerous relationship. That element is the fear of abandonment, of being left alone.

“We stay in abusive relationships because they resemble how we were raised,” continues the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (op. cit., p. 197). “We are terrified of abandonment, so we tolerate high levels of abuse or neglect as adults. The abuse seems normal.”

A significant amount of understanding and restoration work is needed to even begin to dismantle the faulty foundation on which an adult child rests his life. But an effective method of minimizing such treatment once it has begun is to set boundaries, invisible walls, built brick by brick, of the accepted and unaccepted behaviors a person will tolerate.

“When I think of boundaries, it helps if I think of a castle on a lake,” according to another recovering member, writing in “Hope for Today” (op. cit., p. 286). “The boundaries are the drawbridge that connects the castle to the world. Usually, the drawbridge is down and people can walk freely from one side to the other. However, when danger is detected, the drawbridge is raised to protect the castle.”

“One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was that we didn’t have to accept unacceptable behavior,” according to his text “Courage to Change” (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 51). “This insight helped me see that I don’t need to tolerate violence or abuse, and that I had options I hadn’t even recognized before. I set some boundaries, not to control others, but to give myself guidelines…”

Reducing or minimizing unacceptable interactions requires several steps. The first, of course, is to understand the origin of tolerance. The second is to determine the degree, if any, of the other person’s rationality, stability, hurt, and addictive state at the time, whether due to alcohol or substance abuse. The third is to understand that negative treatment may have little to do with the worth or deserving of the other and everything to do with the deficiency of the person giving it. The fourth is to understand that whoever accepts this deal can trigger and escalate it through rebuttal and anger, causing volatility. Ultimately, the only solution may be detachment and disconnection to avoid what is likely to be a repeat of countless previous episodes, none of which bore any restorative fruit.

Take a walk in a park or work it out with a trusted friend or sponsor, and finally conclude, all frustration to the contrary, that the other person cannot see or understand the consequences and effects that he causes.

“Looking back, I can accept that a lot of the unacceptable behavior was directed at me,” according to a member of “Courage to Change” (op. cit., p. 36), “but I was the one who sat down and took it.” . and often came back for more. He was a volunteer participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways, I was a volunteer.”

The right to respect for others begins with respect for oneself. A person teaches others how to treat him through boundaries and acceptance or rejection of his actions, behaviors, and interactions. And the more a person understands their childhood origins and regains their sense of self-worth, the less likely their tolerance for the negative will be.

Article Sources:

“Adult Children of Alcoholics”. Torrence, Calif.; World Service Organization, 2006.

“Courage to change”. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Headquarters of the Al-Anon Family Group, Inc., 1992.

“Hope for Today”. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Home of the Al-Anon Family Group, Inc., 2002.