It’s four in the morning. I have been sleeping for about two hours. I can still smell and taste this really disgusting pizza that we ate a few hours before. Suddenly the fire alarm goes off throughout the building. I decided I was going to go back to sleep until a little voice in my head started screaming like a computer nerd during a power outage: “You’re an RA! Get out!” I wish we had a costume that we can wear under our clothes with the words RA in the middle like Superman. This way I can jump out the window, land on my feet, and report to duty without breaking a sweat. Unfortunately I am not so lucky. It’s four in the morning, and when it’s so early nothing wants to work, not even your brain. After tripping over the wire, I managed to grab all the clothes I could find and put on. As I walked to the door I realized that I live in Potsdam, and in this wonderful city of ours it is probably very cold outside, even in the middle of April. So I stopped, took a deep breath, and grabbed my winter jacket as I walked out the door. I had a feeling it would be long …

While walking down the stairs, one of my residents pointed out that there was some smoke coming from the fifth floor. I stopped, poked my head in and then that little voice sounded again: “Hey idiot, since you got up late, most of the people are probably outside, you should put your butt in there.” For once, that little voice had good advice. Usually he tells me to look for fights with young children in front of their parents. I went downstairs, checked in with my RA colleagues, and got to work making sure no one ran back into the building while the fire department did their thing. This gave me some time to reflect on common events that I have experienced at different universities during a fire alarm. I would like to share some tips for those of you who are outside during a fire alarm:

1) Shut up.

Seriously. Shut. And I don’t mean shut up if you’re talking to your friends or privately complaining about being outside. That is fine with me. It is cold and early. Nobody wants to be outside, not even your resident assistants. But every time the students have to go outside, there is always someone who has to be the center of attention. And that person must think that he is modern, cool and original for being stupid. Yelling things like “Whoooo” or the ever popular “let’s hurry the door, they can’t catch us all” is just stupid. Go play Frisbee or something if you have that much energy this early in the morning. Of course, the worst example of this was at Alfred State during the first fire drill of the semester. Everyone got out, the RAs did their thing and locked the door until it was safe, and everyone was silent. And then all of a sudden, out of the great void, an idiot decides to yell, “Let’s play hokey pokey!” I won’t lie, I was hoping someone would kill him. Nobody cares or wants to hear what nonsense you have to yell during a fire drill. Do you know what they want to hear? “It’s okay to go back inside.” Anything before that is just white noise. And I don’t mean the kind where the dead talk to you.

2) Don’t rush the door.

“We’re going to open the door. They won’t be able to catch us all,” he says: “Adolph Hitler had some good ideas” and “Hey, we should do another ‘Scary Movie.’ For starters, people most likely know who you are and what you look like. So even if you rushed open the doors and walked in, the RAs will find out and you will be scored. Second, what is running inside going to accomplish? We have already established that the only interesting part of activating a fire alarm is when everyone can re-enter. Do you really crave so much attention? I’m pretty sure they made My Space for people like you. Get a profile and scroll in front of it if you really need attention. No one will visit it, but at least you will think so. Chances are once you are inside you will run into town or city police, university police or campus security and / or the fire department. Either clash will result in some hefty fines, reducing your beer money and leading to possible legal action. So now, not only has he gone dumb, pissed off the RAs and guaranteed a hefty fine against them, but now he can come face to face with some angry police officers. Great idea, Skippy. Great idea.

3) Don’t stay in your room.

I will be the first to admit that during my time as a normal resident I have slept through a fire alarm or several. I never believed that the fire department would go in with the university police or the RAs and search the room. Well, the truth is that not only are the rooms searched when the fire alarm goes off, but you can also get fined a lot if you get caught in your Captain Planet pajamas. I’ll skip the part where you could take a picture of yourself in said pajamas and then I’ll find it on the internet faster than you can say “Star Wars kid.” As much as it sucks, and remember, I’m not writing this to say that getting up early in the morning or staying outside in the cold doesn’t suck, you should leave the building when the alarm goes off. Think of it this way: how often during your time in college have you found a way to embarrass yourself in front of a large group of people? Much if you are really honest with yourself (and if you said never, you are wasting the best time of your life). So let’s see a trade-off, do you want to embarrass yourself by hanging out in Captain Planet’s pajamas or do you want an officer, fire marshal or resident assistant to find you in your pajamas and impose a huge fine on you for hanging out in your room? And let’s not mention how many very angry people might be outside who might find you nice and warm while freezing.

Finally, when you return to the building, hopefully in a calm and orderly manner that doesn’t resemble a European football riot, don’t get on the elevator. Seriously. Stay away from the elevator. Unless you’re in one of those huge 22-story bedrooms, just be amazed and head upstairs. Elevators and the rest of the building’s electrical system like to mess with people after the alarm goes off, and people using the elevator after a blackout or fire alarm can get stuck there. As someone who has been trapped in an elevator before can attest, it blows stronger than a hurricane across the Gulf Coast. If you are stuck in an elevator, try using the emergency call button if available, or your cell phone if it works. RA staff … well … RAs who care about their residents. … will wait for you outside the elevator until help arrives. In the meantime, try not to fart or start awkward conversations like, “I really don’t like Hispanics.” Otherwise, it may take a while before you can get back to bed in one piece.