Summary n. 2 for those who keep score. Blade is a low-budget version of Batman, except Blade uses weapons while Batman uses his brain. While Batman is considered by many to be the best detective in the world, Blade cannot find his evildoer until he publishes his evil plans on the cover of a magazine. Batman has an elaborate mansion, a yacht, and an underground crime-fighting headquarters. Blade lives underground in a grandmother’s basement with a broken laptop and a Radio Shack security system. Batman has help in fighting crime from his faithful butler Alfred (who was a bit of a butt kicker in his day) and Robin the Boy Wonder. Blade has hired his real estate agent to guard his basement and is following the sole survivor of the Wonder Twins in hopes of finding that ever-dodging Colonel Mustard card.

Batman has the Batmobile. The very name Batmobile sends shivers down your spine. Blade has the Blademobile, which elicits laughter and a small amount of pity when stopped at a stoplight and sizzles like a broken lawn mower. Batman has a tool belt that is the envy of even Superman. Blade has tied pieces of junk from an Ace hardware store to his shirt. Batman has a swimsuit that is a modern armored shell. Sleek, stylish and functional, the Batsuit is the epitome of engineering and crime fighting. Blade dresses up in Gothic Garanimals. Batman has the Bat signal that strikes fear in the hearts of all criminals and joy in the hearts of the citizens of Gotham. Blade has a broken flashlight.

Batman is the symbolic representation of a modern knight who seeks the ideals that will bring justice, honor and peace. Prepared to ride to the defense of the beautiful damsel Gotham in no time, Batman remains vigilant and always ready to quickly dispense justice. Blade has a broken flashlight.

Back to the TiVo we go.

We are treated to a low camera angle of the bad boy’s spider lair from earlier in the show. The bad boy has tied tramps to the rafters upside down to make things easier for his still-invisible giant spider. The bad guys are using cattle prods to surprise the bums and amuse them. Overall, it’s not a bad way to spend your day if you work for the bad guy. I can attest that it sounds a bit more interesting than hanging out in a 7-square-foot cubicle made of a material that derives its colors from a historical retrospective of various bodily fluids. They tear off one of the tramps.

Jayna returns to the webmaster’s house. This time he’s dressed appropriately instead of looking like Mr. Rogers’ retarded brother. However, he’s so busy getting drunk with Canadian Mist that he can’t help but tell her about his kids or something. She listens to his stupid ramblings much longer than I do when I start checking what’s on other channels. Looking back, we finally see her asking how she can find Blade. I suppose you have noticed that you have been following her for days. Suggestion: use the rear view mirror.

I was starting to wonder, but maybe she noticed. Webmaster pulls out some newspaper clippings from a scrapbook. The part that confuses me is that if you were able to find a webmaster with a Google search, why not use Blade on Google? Oh well, that wouldn’t be nearly as interesting and its for darn sure that the nearly illiterate Blade would not have anything on his website except a looping midi file, the graphic of a giant traffic cone and the under construction banner that pollutes half the Internet. It would probably have pop-ups too. When does this webmaster find time to put together a Blade scrapbook?

Jayna has gone native and has kidnapped someone or has a rental in the same place where Blade got his bike. She prepares her new vehicle, makes sure it has bullets, and begins wandering around the spot mentioned in the newspaper article the webmaster had in his personal Blade scrapbook. For someone who didn’t think twice about jumping into a crack house before, it sure looks like they’re going to shit their pants now.

Hanging around the place, he practices his CSI poses and begins to wander. The place is practically urban decay at its finest. He gets bored with his police poses and lets his guard down. That gives Blade the opening he needs and he sneaks up on her with his patented Blade stealth. He warns her to leave town again, but she refuses. She really wants to find her brother’s killer and is sure Blade knows the answer. Of all the things you would expect Blade to have, an answer is not one of them. Then, out of nowhere, he asks for a Coors Light. Look around, ma’am, do you see a refrigerator?

Bored, Blade uses his T-Mobile headset to call his real estate agent. He’s not much amused to find out that Blade is dating some rejection from the Super Friends.

The bad boy must be celebrating National Pizza Month in his own wicked way. He’s making some kind of crazy garlic concentrate that’s so potent it dissolves people. Hate to tell the bad boy, but it’s really hard to get repeat business if you dissolve your clients. Maybe you’re planning to ship it out to your competition so your pizzas will be the ones dissolving people while your pizza will be safe. Whoops, but then again, that’s why he’s the evil genie and not the guy with the broken lantern.

Blade has taken Jayna to Blade Cave. Not that he couldn’t have found it near the stairs, but he took it anyway. He’s showing off by hacking the leftover store mannequins as Jayna watches with a mixed series of emotions ranging from ostentatious confusion to outright pity. Blade gives those plastic symbols of capitalism the sound and vigorous beating they deserve. Blade has also managed to improvise his own Blade-a-rang out of what looks like a pile of Pogs and the middle of one of those spinning hubcaps. A plastic doll is very well damaged.

Jayna starts walking around Blade Cave inspecting the crime fighting gear. Go to an upgraded cow milker first. God knows what kind of crime Blade fights with that, maybe osteoporosis? Then he finds a super chrome soak and has a hard time not laughing at Blade and his real estate agent. She does a good job of not laughing. Blade gives him a second-class RFID chip to follow his trail. I fell asleep for a second, but the agent is convincing Jayna to go to “Thong’s” house, which has to be a strip club. It looks like Spike TV won’t disappoint after all.

Jayna enters a gallery. What the hell is this? Where are the brass poles and strobe lights? What a load! Now Jayna is talking to the bad boy we haven’t seen in an hour. He’s chatting to her, so maybe he’s planning more target practice. They exchange names and stuff. So the bad boy tells him that he knows who she is, telling her that he killed his brother and pointing out his gang of bad boys in case he wants to go 10 rounds. Needless to say, he quickly turns hostile and runs to his rental car where he grabs a spare rifle that he took from Blade. Blade sees this through the RFID chip or something. She leaves him a headset so he can talk to him while he tries to shoot him.

Blade gets on his motorcycle and drives to catch up, but he’s too slow. She makes the classic mistake of talking to the bad guy for so long that his gang goes up the stairs to the next building and gives him a good slap. Blade shows up and finds his RFID chip and gets mad that he’s still paying for that rifle and it’s his last.

The bad boy decides to make this interesting by taking the unconscious Jayna back to the bad boy’s headquarters and shooting her with the same drug the detective tried to blame his brother for. Of course, she passes out and the bad guy does the bad thing by throwing his doped body out of his building. Splat becomes the weasel.

Suddenly, his body ends up in a bag in the coroner’s inbox. Way to go! Now Blade will go back to looking for clues the old way. It looks like Blade is in the creek without his sword and I’m two packs away from being able to finish watching this show. For a Shaft-style detective meets Batman, this fellow Blade is as dense as my mother-in-law’s fruitcake. And believe me, after a decade of metallurgical chemistry, I know density. If the US military could get the mother-in-law to do for steel what she does with wheat, no tank in our arsenal would fall prey to the meanest explosives. You know how fast food fries (I know I’m supposed to call Freedom Fries) never go bad? Have you ever found it under your car seat and you know it’s like ten years old, but it still looks like the day it was made? Forget being in awe of Egyptian mummies, these things will last even the toast cake and nuclear Armageddon. I don’t want to be embalmed when I die, I want to be battered and fried, that way I will never rot no matter what. To hell with formaldehyde, a $ 1 bucket of the best of McDonalds and viola, I’m good for centuries.

Regardless, Blade is apparently at the end of the detective spectrum that Inspector Clouseau occupies on a bad day. Actually, I take it back, Inspector Clouseau had a costume, Blade doesn’t even change his clothes. Inspector Clouseau solved crimes, albeit accidentally. Blade apparently occupies the end of the spectrum by himself minus the pointy hat. With his only chance at a lead now dead, Blade is left wandering in a chat with his real estate agent.

On the screen, we see some kind of MTV video about Jayna’s life. In my living room, I get the fast-forward button and a new magic formula. Whooo! Let the entertainment begin.

It seems that the bad guy was not such a magician and the coroner is a bit of a fool. God, is everyone in this town taking stupid pills? Jayna unzips her body bag and leaves before anyone notices that she is missing. Perhaps, after all, his superpowers weren’t limited to turning into mindless inanimate objects. Of course, it’s raining outside, so score one for the Spike TV team. However, wait; just to add some suspense, the bad boy picks her up at the coroner’s office. Either he’s not as lame a villain as he was at first, or he covers his bases carefully. I know that if I ever launch a plan to take over the world (or my zip code), I won’t throw people out of buildings without a spotter to ensure a proper landing. Point well taken Spike TV, point well taken.

Let’s grab a new 6-pack and meet up here again in a few minutes!