Many of the people I hear from are very divided about their marriage after finding out about an affair. Very few of us think that one day we will consider ending our marriage. But that was before we found out about the case. And this knowledge can change everything. For many people, an affair is the one thing they can never tolerate. Still, when you’re left with the real reality of ending your marriage forever, this decision can seem much more difficult than you ever anticipated.

To that end, many people will attempt to use the tried and true decision-making tool of listing the pros and cons. However, when it comes to your own marriage, it can be very difficult to be objective about it. So some people consult neutral third parties about the pros and cons. Someone might ask, “Objectively, what are the pros and cons of staying in a marriage after an affair? Honestly, I always thought it would be a no-brainer to divorce my husband if he ever cheated on me. It was always a theoretical thing because we had a good marriage and I never thought it would be our reality. Now that it is, I find myself having a hard time with the idea of ​​actually ending my marriage, at least immediately. I feel like I owe my kids think about this very, very carefully. So I’m trying to list the pros and cons in a very non-emotional way so I can make a rational decision. But I’m having a hard time. What are the pros and cons?

I can certainly list some pros and cons. It could be partial, because I finally kept my marriage. However, I can guarantee you that I seriously weighed all the disadvantages that I am going to list. What I found going through this myself is that you can ALWAYS find the other side of the coin. But ultimately, you’ll just have to decide if it’s the pros or cons that affect you more. As you read the list, make a note of any physical sensations or reactions you feel as you read it. That will give you clues as to where your true opinions and feelings lie. However, keep in mind that your opinions and feelings can and do change during this process. What you feel when the affair is fresh may not be what you feel six months from now.

Number one pro of leaving your marriage after an affair. You don’t have to stay for all the hard work: I can’t lie. The weeks and months after an affair can feel like torture. The pain, confusion, and shock are always there. Worse yet, every time you see or interact with your spouse, the pain can intensify and you feel and experience it all over again. So by cutting your losses relatively early, you can theoretically avoid this repetitive process. However, it’s unrealistic to think that you won’t feel the pain (or have to make a big adjustment) even on your own. It’s going to be a fit either way. But at least you won’t have to face your spouse every day. At least that’s the thinking behind this train of thought.

The other side (and the scam) If you don’t work through it, then it follows you: I get why it’s tempting to just run away, especially if you’re sure you’ll never be able to leave the adventure anyway. However, in a sense, there really is no escape. And even if you feel absolutely certain that there is no way to save your marriage, it makes sense to work on the healing process anyway so that one day you can finally close the door on this. Because you don’t want to let the baggage of this follow you into your next relationship. You should not have to continue to experience this loss for the rest of your life. It’s best to work it out once and then move on, regardless of what happens to your marriage.

Pro number two: It’s easier and kinder for everyone to make a quick and definitive break. There’s less confusion that way: Some people feel that it is nicer for everyone in the family to cut losses at first. They feel there is no use raising children’s hopes when they are likely to be dashed later. They feel that the certainty of a divorce and walking away is better than the uncertainty or trying, failing, and everyone feeling disappointed. I understand the thinking behind this, but there is always a flip side that brings me to the next point.

If you try and fail, it’s worth knowing that you did all you could, even with the uncertainty.: I understand that you don’t want to deal with uncertainty, but I think knowing that you never tried is, at least for some people, just as bad. At least if you give it a try, you’ll be able to sleep easier at night knowing you’ve at least stopped to weigh all your options before you bail out. And your family will know that you at least tried. I am not saying that any of the options are ideal and I believe that only you can decide which is the most ideal for your particular situation, considering how you feel. Some people know that there is no way they can tolerate their cheating spouse for another day. And others are more open to wait and see what happens.

There is no outcome where no one has to fight or no one gets hurt. Walking away from your marriage is painful. But recovery after an affair is also painful. Nor is it effortless. I think it’s important to ask yourself which future scenario would make you happier: being without your spouse but knowing you don’t have to deal with them or the consequences of cheating, or being with your spouse after considerable work but knowing you’ll get through the worst. Both scenarios will appeal to different sets of people and that’s fine. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only what is right for you.